This Would Be Funny 

The severe smoking restrictions proposed for Milwaukee are a good start, but we can do better.

Everyone knows cigarettes are deadly and that the people who smoke them are fixin' to kill us all and make our clothing smell bad.

We need an all-out offensive. We may or may not win in Iraq (where, ironically, many of our soldiers smoke to take their minds off the danger), but at least we can beat smokers if the rest of us gang up on them. Smokers get plenty of tar; we just need to add feathers.
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Boy, the nerve of these bar and restaurant owners who want to decide for themselves if they will allow smoking for their customers without government interference. They must think we're living in a free country or something. Don't make us come in there with our eminent domain powers and turn all these smoky joints into Walgreens stores.
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And after all outdoor smoking is abolished, we need to look to the future and outlaw smoking in outer space, too, even though blowing smoke rings in zero gravity could be kinda cool.

Anyone smoking at home should be prohibited from having company over. Under the "Addicts in Attics" program, cash rewards could be offered to people who turn in their neighbors for smoking in secret.

The final frontier will be the vehicles driven by smokers. I'm thinking if we frame it as a distraction issue like cell phones that we can ban smoking in personal vehicles. Or we'll require anyone who wants to smoke in the car to keep their windows up at all times and to dispose of the butts at a toxic waste site.

Oh, and kissing any smoker should be illegal because of its storied comparison to licking an ashtray.

  Posted at 10:38 AM by Nick |   |   |  

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